Childhood Memories: Earliest Gaming Experiences

My earliest video game memory of all time, of course, is probably Pac-Man. Either Pac-Man or Dig Dug. Either way, it was the early 80s, me having been born in late 1981, and games like Pac-Man and Dig Dug were still all the rage, at a time when video arcades were probably at their peak. One of my favorite pass-times in my early childhood, was sitting at a table-top machine of Pac-Man or Dig Dug (because they were easier for me to see and get to), and pretend that I was playing. At a very young age, naturally, I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that the demo mode gameplay the machine would display, wasn't me actually playing. I eventually figured it out of course, but that still didn't stop me from pretending. I did, of course, get to actually get a quarter and play one of these classics, every once in awhile, but par for the course (and my age), I really didn't understand how to play them that well, and thus never made it that far. We're talking like 3 or 4 years old here, so it's understandable. But I still loved it. I was not yet obsessed with video games as I would become when I first got my NES many years later. But it's fair to say, whether it was Pac-Man or Dig Dug that I actually saw first, that I was fascinated from the get-go. You might even say it was love at first sight.

Ladies and gentlemen, THE bleeding edge of early 80s technology!

Now arcades would continue to be a love affair of my childhood, all the way up into my teens. Part of it, growing up, was the mystique of it all, because my grandmother didn't really like me playing them, so she would rarely ever "waste money" by giving me quarters. So I usually just got to watch others play, and the rare times when I would manage to get my very own shiny quarter, whatever game I played, because I rarely ever GOT to play, that quarter would burn up faster than Mario in hot lava. So my little tastes of early arcade gaming were terribly fleeting, and that made me love it and want it all the more.

However, if you'll observe the picture above, you'll see the face of my first truly extended experience with "gaming". Around the age of 3 or 4 I would say, my grandmother bought a Radio Shack model of one of these early Tandy computer contraptions you see in the picture. These things were one of the first readily available home computers, and thus were very popular, long before IBM and Windows compatible computers took over the market. My grandmother, as adults tend to do, bought it to use as a word processor and to to her finances on. But she also did use it to try and invest in my early education, by bringing home several educational "games" for me to play. I enjoyed these, as much as they can be enjoyed I suppose. The one I remember most was some version of "Hangman", a spelling game, where you have to guess the letters in a word, and if you get too many guesses wrong, it finishes building a gallows complete with a poor little blocky dude hanging. There were other games, very basic math based games, and I do believe some kind of odd "image matcher" type of game, involving extremely blocky representations of playing cards or something like that.

The true oddity, if you really study the pic for a second, is that this picture specifically shows the obscure and really oddball "disc drive" our computer had. It's a cassette tape deck, and somehow they had really simple programs on these tapes that you pop in, and the computer reads it. Tandy computers also had floppy disc drives, but I don't think ours did. I mainly just remember the tape deck thing, because it was something no other device I ever had since possessed.

"Now you're playing with power...........oh wait".

But really, my first TRUE home video gaming experience must've come around '86 or so, when I was 4 or 5, when one of my aunt's gave us a hand-me-down Atari 2600, because their family had gotten one of the newer Atari systems. I do seem to remember us having the paddle style controllers pictured above, with the dial and the button on the side. We probably also had the regular stick controllers, but the dial ones stand out more. The only games I remember us having, were Combat, Space Invaders, and this game called Astroblast. Combat was fine, and it was two-player, so my grandmother played it with me a handful of times, though she wasn't really into games that weren't specifically puzzle or card type games. For anyone who doesn't know, Combat pretty much was the pack-in with Atari 2600, as everyone had a copy. It's a multi-games-in-one cart type of deal, with various tank and plane one on one battle games, hence the title "Combat". Space Invaders speaks for itself, but while the artwork for the game looked cool and made me want to play it the most, I rarely ever did try to play it, because it was fucking hard, especially for my 4/5 year old self.

Classic video gaming at it's finest.

The first game that I suppose you could call my "favorite game", outside of pretending to play things like Pac-Man and Dig Dug when we would go out for pizza or something, was the third game, "Astroblast". Now, for most of my life, for whatever reason, I used to think that this game was called "Asteroid", as in the same title as the famous "AstroidS", minus the "s". I'm not sure why I thought it was called this, maybe it was simple childhood logic, because you shoot asteroids, or I suppose it's possible that maybe the game was mislabeled. Regardless, I used to search for pictures or footage of this game online, and could never find it, until I did some deeper sleuth-work, and discovered it was actually called "Astroblast". In this game, as you can see, play a little tank or whatever, and you have to shoot at a non-stop barrage of falling asteroids. Like many 2600 era games, it was more of an endurance type of game, where you lasted as long as you could, to get the highest score you could. In a nutshell, classic gaming in it's purest form. Every once in awhile, a UFO would wander across the top of the screen, and if you were lucky enough to hit it, you got bonus points. Naturally, the longer you lasted, the faster the asteroids started coming down, and thus the harder it got.

I don't really remember anymore how far I ever got, or what my highest score ever was. I was a bit too young to really remember those types of details. But I will say that this was the first game that I actually got to play extensively, that I got addicted to, as I pretty much only played this on our Atari. It's good, solid pre-8-bit gaming, and a fond memory from my early years. Now I know there was a definite gap where we no longer had the 2600, before I finally got an NES. We had the 2600 when I was in preschool, and we moved to a different town for a bit when I was in kindergarten, and by that point already, my grandmother had gotten rid of it for some reason, or we just never unpacked it. I'm not really sure, though I do know we definitely didn't still have it years later when I finally got an NES around 3rd grade or so. But either way, my childhood gaming took a bit of a nap, except for when I would come across an arcade machine somewhere, for a few solid years before Nintendo took over my young world.

So there you have it, some of my earliest gaming memories. It's safe to say that video games have been a part of my life, in one way or another, for most of my existence. And quite frankly, with the exception of some (totally justified) cases of gamer rage at some game or another being a real asshole to me, gaming has always been a source of escape, relaxation, and happiness in my life. So here's to you, video games. Cheers!

Forgotten Gems: Godzilla 2, War of the Monsters

 

Building off of last week, there was actually an NES sequel Toho produced to their Godzilla game. This time, it was a significantly different genre of game. Where as the first game was basically, at it's heart, a side-scrolling action title, Godzilla 2 on NES took a vastly different route, experimenting with the (at the time) fairly new "tile based strategy game" genre.  As a kid, naturally, I rented it because it was there, and it was Godzilla. I would have rented it if it was called "Godzilla Teaches Spelling". That actually might have been pretty awesome, now that I think about it. Also, the cover really lures you in.

I mean just look at that bad boy!

The cover definitely promises something amazing. Giant Godzilla, towering above skyscrapers (which is unrealistic, because he's not THAT big, only 40-50 odd stories tall in most films), surrounded by lighting and an ominous red hue. Funny story, that artwork is actually the Japanese promotional art for the 1984 movie "Return of Godzilla", the first film in the so-called "Hesei Era", the first Godzilla film in roughly a decade, after the last "Showa Era" film, "Terror of Mechagodzilla". For the uninitiated, Japan tends to refer to "eras" of the nation's history by the title of their Emperors, and "Showa" was the title of Emperor Hirohito. A little cultural history for ya! But yes, that was the super-awesome (and somewhat misleading) promo art for the first of a whole new line of Godzilla films, whereas the promo "art" we got in America for our version, "Godzilla 1985", was just an image of Godzilla's face straight out of the film. They obviously decided to use the Japanese art for this game, and considering I never got to see most of the "Hesei Era" Godzilla films until I was in my late teens (they weren't really available until then), I of course had no way of recognizing it, even though I had seen "Godzilla 1985", which isn't all that great as G-films go. But I digress.

Just look at that action.

Back to the actual game, what you see above is pretty much the game in a nutshell. You have 12 scenarios to choose from, each a different map with different monsters and varying goals. The overall goal in each scenario, is that in this game instead of playing as the monsters, you play as the Earth's military defenses, which include fighter and bomber planes, tanks, missile launchers, electric maser cannons, and even the Super-X ship from "Return of Godzilla" (and 1989's "Godzilla vs. Biolante").  You do get to play as one monster though, Mothra. She starts out certain scenarios as an enemy monster, but if you find and protect her egg, you will then gain control of her as a friendly unit to fight other monsters with. As a kid, naturally, I was disappointed to be fighting against my hero, "The Big G". But I still played the hell out of it, and I may have even rented this game more than once (I really can't recall now).

"You couldn't hit the broad side of a Godzilla!"

As you can see, the way the game plays out, is that you move units around the map, and when you run into monsters, or they approach you, you can initiate a battle sequence, wherein you choose from whatever attacks your particular unit has at it's disposal, and then as seen above, you play some weird "slot machine" type game, where you have to match up different icons, that do different things like raise your defense or attack, accuracy, etc., and literally depending on what you get in that, is the basis for how that battle tends to go. If you don't defeat a monster relatively quickly, and they move away from you, they will recover health, while naturally you don't. To do that, you have to move your units back to their particular bases for repairs, which you can do as many times as you need. However, once you exhaust all available units, it's game over, as there is no real "resource management" in this game, just the units you start with, and a limited number of reserve units you can call into action from the bases. Like I said, it's a very basic, bare-bones tile based strategy game, but it's not really bad at all. It's fun for what it is, and it helps if you're a Godzilla nut like I am. The tunes in this game aren't nearly as awesome or memorable as Godzilla: Monster of Monsters, but they're decent, if not a bit repetitious after awhile.

The one real flaw I'll levy at this game, is that it doesn't have a real ending. I know, I've played and beaten all 12 scenario missions. You get the same little "Congratulations" screen for beating each one, but there is nothing for beating them all. Too bad really, but it's still kind of neat for what it is. So if you're into Godzilla, or are curious about an early tile based, turn based strategy title, I'd suggest giving it a spin.

Forgotten Gems: Godzilla, Monster of Monsters

 

If you've been following my blog, you might have figured out by now, via my site logo, and various graphics employed on the Twitter and Tumblr pages, etc., that I'm a pretty big Godzilla fan. In fact I pretty much decided from the moment that I began Retro Revelations, that Godzilla was going to be the unofficial mascot. When I created the logo banner graphic, I did so with several thoughts in mind. The foremost among them, was that having a depiction from a video game would help convey my love for video games, Godzilla, and film in general, as well as helping to convey what this blog site is all about: All things Retro and Classic. Plus I felt that utilizing that particular pic, which is actually from the ending of the game I'm about to talk about, was especially poignant, because the blog slogan is "Revisiting the Past, One Blog at a Time", and I felt the image of Godzilla and Mothra looking at the Earth from the Moon, was especially evocative and kind of helped drive that home. So there ya go, a free peak into the creation of this site!

I grew up loving Godzilla, and while I have yet to get around to writing about the classic movies I love so much, trust me, it's going to happen.  I do not clearly remember which Godzilla film I saw first, as I grew up in a (better) era of television, when local stations would often show old monster movies late at night. But the first G-film I do clearly remember, is the first one I ever got on VHS tape. It may well have been the first VHS tape of my childhood that was actually "mine", and not just the family's. That movie was "Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster" (1966), which is still my second favorite Godzilla movie to this day. My first, of course, being likely the second movie I ever got on VHS, "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" (1965). Regardless, from at least the age of 8 or so, I was a Godzilla fanatic as a child. In fact it sucks that there were several Godzilla/Toho films I didn't get to see as a kid, because they were never on TV or I never saw them on tape, that I wish I could have just because I would have enjoyed them so much more as a child, when everything generally felt more awesome. You know, before we all grow up and die a little inside. But sufficed to say, being a kid obsessed with both Godzilla, and Nintendo, discovering there was a Godzilla NES game was bound to lead to love at first sight.

Straight out of my childhood.

The game in question is "Godzilla: Monster of Monsters" for the NES. It was actually published by Toho, the studio who created Godzilla and produced his films. It was developed by a little known (now defunct) studio known as Compile, mainly known for their classic shoot 'em up games such as Aleste, Gun-Nac, Blazing Lasers, and The Guardian Legend. But with this game, they took a crack at the side-scrolling action game, and it certainly is a unique take on the genre. As an adult, I have heard many negative things said about this game, and to be fair, it's not the greatest game I've ever played. But to also be fair, for what it is it's also pretty solid, and doesn't deserve some of the shit that the internet retro gaming community has heaped upon it. As you can see in the pic above, in the game you travel to different planets, trying to stop the forces of Planet X, and each world map is depicted as a kind of chess board, with hexagonal spaces. In a way, the game plays out, at least on the surface, similar to a turn-based strategy game, as both monsters you control (Godzilla and Mothra) get a turn to move on the board, and then the enemy monsters also get a turn. Though that's about as far as that goes, as there is literally no other real strategy to the board, you simply have to move across it, defeat the enemy monsters, and take out the enemy base on each planet (the space with the satellite dish thingy). 

Yup. That's a slack-jawed space dragon.

Each space on the board that you move to, represents a short side-scrolling level that you must play through as either Godzilla, who can move two spaces per turn, or Mothra, who can move four. Godzilla is stronger, with punches, kicks, a tail whip, and of course his "destroys everything" thermo-nuclear breath. But Mothra is faster, can fly, and attacks with eye beams and "poison wing dust". Basically, it's a lot easier getting through shit as Godzilla because he's a living wrecking machine, but Mothra is able to fly over many of the ground enemies, so it is technically possible to get through some stages faster with her. Once you reach a space on the map next to an enemy monster, or they move next to you, it initiates a more fighting game style one-on-one battle. For each monster you defeat, your power and life bars upgrade a bit. After you defeat the monsters, and take out the enemy base, which consists of just getting to the end of that stage, you have beaten that world, and move on to the next. One of the knocks on this game is that it's too repetitive, and I'll grant that it really is. There is a bit of variety to the stages, with moon levels, weird alien jungle levels, firey volcano levels, strange subspace levels, and of course the robotic enemy base stages. But that's about it, and they all pretty much play out the same, move left to right, destroy enemies, get to end of stage, move on to the next. So in that sense, for that part of the gameplay I can see how some could get turned off by it. But as a kid, I didn't give a single shit. This was GODZILLA, on NINTENDO, and I actually received it as a gift for my (if I remember correctly) 9th birthday, along with several other games such as Loopz and Spy vs. Spy. But Godzilla was the one I cared about, naturally.

Godzilla vs. his greatest foe, King Ghidora.

After apparently traveling throughout the solar system or at least some of their moons, the final destination is Planet X. In the film "Invasion of the Astro Monster" (aka Godzilla vs. Monster Zero), the only Godzilla film to actually feature him going into space (and in my mind the best Godzilla film ever made), Planet X is depicted as a small, barren, rocky planet. But in the game, it's depicted kind of like the Death Star from Star Wars, as every stage on the board is now an "enemy base" stage, complete with non-stop guns and missiles and ships firing at you from above that you must trudge through. It's worth noting, for fellow Godzilla fans out there who would know what the hell I'm talking about, that while the game does feature several generic enemies, such as that goofy space dragon and fiery phoenix bird in that screenshot further up, many enemies from the game are also taken from other Godzilla/Toho films. Some of these include the Moonlight SY-3 ship from "Destroy All Monsters" (1968), the Gotengo ship from "Atragon" (1963), the Super X ship from "Return of Godzilla" (1984), and Planet X flying saucers from "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero". There were also generic missile launchers and electric "Masers", etc., featured in various classic Godzilla films.

On Planet X, as with the previous worlds, you have to face all the monsters you previously faced, plus of course the game's final boss, King Ghidorah, who also naturally happens to be the hardest monster in the game. If you can manage to take his three-headed ass out, and destroy the final enemy base, you have saved the Earth, send the Planet Xians packing out into space exile, and get to enjoy the end credits. One thing that has to be said about this game, is that while the gameplay is "so-so", and the graphics are decent, the one area that really shines, is the music. "Godzilla: Monster of Monsters" features one of the best NES soundtracks I've ever heard in my life, I mean the tunes in this game genuinely rock. Every planet has it's own tune, as does every monster (with the exception of Moguera and Baragon sharing a tune). The ending/end credits theme, is honestly up there with the Super Mario Bros. 2 end credits theme as one of the coolest and most satisfying "I just beat the game" songs I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. And similarly, it's very soft and somber, kind of a nice closer to the game.

If you've never played "Godzilla: Monster of Monsters", while it's not the BEST game in the universe, if you're a Godzilla fan, merely curious, or just want to enjoy some great "chip tunes", I highly suggest checking this game out. It brought me a lot of great memories (and a few frustrating game deaths) from my childhood, and I still to this day consider it a "classic" in it's own right. Cheers!

Look familiar?

Unnecessary Sequels: Mortal Kombat

Back once more with another installment of the shitty film sequel chronicles! Today we're going to look at a film that is near and dear to my heart, along with it's unnecessary sequel, which was the first experience I ever had as a movie-goer where I was crushingly disappointed not just after the film was over, but during the entire thing. For a bit a of background, I may have mentioned previously that growing up, my grandmother was of a firm mind that seeing movies in theater was a "waste of time", and thus I had to miss out on experiencing a lot of awesome movies on the big screen that other kids my age got to. As such, I didn't get to really start seeing movies in the theater (except for a couple from my very early childhood that I barely remember, such as E.T.), until I was actually 13 years old, when we finally moved to a bigger town right before she passed away. 

I can't clearly remember what the first movie I did see was, there were many during that summer of 1995, such as my first exposure to Jackie Chan in "Rumble in the Bronx", which to me at that time was mind-blowing (as I had never seen Jackie and his antics before). I'm going to propose, however, that the first one I probably saw was "Might Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie", as both it and "Batman Forever" were out around the same time in June '95, and it was a toss-up between those two among my two friends and I. My friend Harold (the one who loves M.C. Kids), was the tie breaking vote to go see Power Rangers, to my chagrin, so we did. I wound up enjoying it to some extent, and we eventually also went to see Batman (which I liked at the time, now...not quite as much).

But no, the movie I'm about to talk about came out in August, and while I had certainly wanted to see Batman (being a big fan of the animated series), this movie, was the first movie I actually got to see in theaters that I remember being hyped to see, and to me at least, it totally lived up to the hype. It was my first "wow" experience going to the movies, and it holds a special place in my movie-loving heart to this day.

Film: Mortal Kombat
Year: 1995
Director: Paul Anderson
Unnecessary Sequel: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

 The movie in question, as you can see, was "Mortal Kombat", based on the at the time red-hot arcade game. Funnily enough, when Mortal Kombat originally came out in 1992, and for some time after that, I was a Street Fighter obsessee, and naturally among kids (just like with Nintendo vs. Sega) there was a Street Fighter II vs. Mortal Kombat divide, with different factions arguing which game was better. To me, SFII was unquestionably better, and I also initially didn't like the (what I considered at the time, at age 10 or 11) excessive blood and violence of the game. I think it was actually after Mortal Kombat 2 came out in 1993, that I actually came around to liking it more. MKII had a bit of a deeper sense of story than the first game did, and it also had the (attractive to this monster nut) unique setting of "Outworld", and all of that started to turn me around on the subject. I was officially a fan by the time MK3 came out in early 1995, so as I said I was genuinely hyped to see the film. And as I said, it didn't disappoint.

Great cast.

 

Ironically, the film was directed by Paul Anderson, who really should be commended for doing a great job with it, though he would go on to be derided by yours truly in future years for a long string of substanceless crap such as the "Resident Evil" films, "Death Race", etc. I'd like to think that part of the reason this movie turned out so well, is because the creators of the game were deeply involved in its production, and so perhaps they reigned in whatever nonsensical bullshit he might have wanted to do with it. Then again, maybe he just had one great (to me) movie in him, and then gave in to an overwhelming urge to progressively become one of the worst directors in Hollywood? But I digress.


To me, everything about "Mortal Kombat" the movie was pretty much perfect, from  great casting, to great cinematography, to (for the time) fantastic special effects, amazing sets and ambiance, a killer soundtrack, great fighting action, you name it. In fact, the set-builders did such a good job with their "Outworld" set they created out in a California desert, that it actually scared commercial pilots flying over it by night. The casting really couldn't have been much better. Christopher Lambert almost steals the show as Raiden, god of thunder and lightning. Linden Ashby was perfect in the role of cocky martial arts film star Johnny Cage (especially considering he had no prior training, he looked great in his fight scenes). Bridgette Wilson had a strong and evocative turn as conflicted special-forces operative Sonya Blade. Cary Tagawa was both chilling and awesome as villain sorcerer Shang Tsung. And of course the star of the show, Robin Shou was practically born for the role of shaolin warrior Liu Kang.

Mortal enemies, ninja assassin Sub-Zero and undead spectre Scorpion.

As for the film itself, from beginning to end, it just really pops. If you're a Mortal Kombat fan, it has everything you could want. If you're just a fan of martial arts/action films, it still has plenty to keep you entertained. And honestly, even if you're not usually a fan of that kind of movie, it's still a quality flick worth seeing, in my humble opinion. What they managed to do in this film for a (by today's standards) paltry $18 million budget, is really surprising. A lot of care and attention to detail was put into everything. And while certainly, not everything is 100% accurate to the games, with several things added or embellished, none of it detracts from the film or makes it feel "off" at all. In fact some of the addition to detail, such as many facets of Shang Tsung's private island (obviously inspired by the great Bruce Lee epic "Enter the Dragon"), and the created-for-the-film character of martial-artist Art Lean, was exceptionally well done.

Prince Goro, ruler of the Shokan race, and reigning Mortal Kombat Champion.

 

As seen above, they pulled off the boss character from MK1, Goro, with a combination of a live actor in a suit, and animatronics. And as you can see, it came out pretty good, easily as good as that of, say, the TMNT movies or the "Dinosaurs" TV show. It really holds up well, even today, and while CGI might arguably have helped make him look "better", I find that often times practical effects make things more organic and realistic than computer effects. Goro was voiced by legendary voice actor Frank Welker, who also did various other voices in the film, such as that of the creature/warrior Reptile, and a cameo appearance at the end of (SPOILERS) "Outworld" ruler Shao Khan.

All in all, the film, at least in my opinion, is just very well done. Great fight scenes include: Liu Kang vs. Sub-Zero, Johnny Cage vs. Scorpion, and Liu Kang vs. Shang Tsung + souls of vanquished warriors near the end of the film (ALSO SPOILERS). Someone I knew had the soundtrack to the movie, and I listened to it quite a bit, even for a couple of years after the movie had come out. Mortal Kombat was a phenomenon in the 90s, and this movie was/is a perfect preservation of that. I honestly could continue to go on about it at length, but that wouldn't leave time for the bad news. And the bad news is, that unfortunately, this film's sequel, which I was ALSO super-hyped for, wound up being a complete shitter.

"Destroy All Expectations"....it certainly did.

 

Trust me when I tell you there was a LOT of hype surrounding this movie. Not only had the first film been a huge blockbuster success, but Mortal Kombat 3 and even to a lesser extent Mortal Kombat 4 had gone on in the following years to grow the popularity of the franchise. There was major hype surrounding the fact that it was revealed ahead of time that arch-enemies Scorpion and Sub-Zero, would actually fight in this film (in the first they had merely been pawns of Shang Tsung). That alone was enough reason to get fans salivating over the possibilities. But as fate would have it, it was not meant to be. This is one of the very few films I've ever seen, let alone in theaters, that I shit you not, within the first few moments of the film, I already knew it was going to be a crap-fest. 

Literally, in the abrupt opening scenes of the film, what is supposed to be a giant portal from Outworld appears in the sky, as Shao Khan has cheated the gods' tournament system (the winner of ten straight would rule the Earth realm, but Liu Kang won the 10th tournament saving Earth), and his armies are invading. Just in that opening scene, that portal and the effects of the Outworld warriors teleporting to the ground....it all just looked so damn cheesy that I physically groaned. Then Johnny Cage, played by another actor because Linden Ashby either wasn't available or didn't want to be in the picture just to get offed in a short, crappy scene, gets unceremoniously killed. No big, dramatic, touching warriors' death, fitting of a beloved character. Nope. Just a quick neck-break or something of that type.

In fact, the only returning actors from the first movie were Robin Shou, and Talisa Soto who played Princess Kitana, Shao Khan's adopted daughter and rightful heir to Outworld (or Edenia, as it's actually called). The rest of the new cast was, for the most part, fairly forgettable. Actress Sandra Hess was cast as Sonya, with Lynn Williams playing her over-the-top partner Jax. James Remar, honestly a really good actor in most roles, was re-cast as Lord Raiden, and although he tried, it just wasn't the same without Lambert, who made that role. The villains this time around, were Bryan Thompson (Sir Brock from Dragonheart) as Shao Khan, and Musetta Vander as his "bride" Queen Sindel, Kitana's once-deceased mother. They themselves weren't exactly horrible, but the acting and everything else in general in this film, were really just sub-par and very "meh".

This picture honestly sums up all I really need to say.

 

The amazing thing, is that they took over two years to make this film, on a budget nearly twice as much as the first. They had all the time in the world to get it right, and while they had a new director (John Leonetti), that hardly should have mattered. All they had to do was follow the blueprint they already established with the first, and with a bigger budget, they absolutely should have made at least a competent film. But they didn't even accomplish that. The final product honestly resembles something made for TV or direct to video, not a $30 million dollar (which was big for the time) theatrical sequel to a blockbuster hit. Where the first film was, beginning to end, an enjoyable ride through an otherworldly story of mortal men and women fighting to defend Earth, the sequel is, beginning to end, a monotonous and sometimes painful exercise in just about everything you shouldn't do when making a film like this. The effects were somehow far cheaper on a bigger budget, the fight scenes shorter and shittier, even though Robin Shou himself handled the stunt choreography. The much-vaunted fight between Sub-Zero and Scorpion lasted (seemingly) less than a minute total, and wound up actually being a rather throw-away scene in a film chock-full of rather throw-away, pointless, nonsensical scenes.

They threw in several Mortal Kombat 2 and 3 characters, such as mutant assassin Baraka, Kitana's clone "sister" Milena, ninja warriors Rain, Smoke and Ermac (even a "not really" cameo by shadow ninja Noob Saibot), and as seen above, Shokan warrior (and former wife of Prince Goro) Sheeva, and leader of their rival centaur tribe, Motaro. But none of those inclusions, or others, wound up even mattering, because they were almost to a single one pulled off horribly. Kitana's mysterious ally Jade was also in the film, a green ninja woman, but her part was pointless. The cybernetic ninja character Cyrax makes an appearance, but is quickly destroyed. The Native American warrior Nightwolf (played by good actor Litefoot), also makes a very brief cameo, in which they actually have him break the fourth wall and talk about Liu Kang learning to use his "Animality" (a type of finishing move from MK3). The end of the film is a clusterfuck of bad, with the final nail being the writers deciding to tell the audience that Raiden and Shao Khan are actually brothers, and that the fallen Elder God Shinnock is their father. That's about as bad (and just as horribly incorrect) as the "Wolverine" film trying to tell us that Logan and Sabertooth are brothers (which they are not, nor have they ANY blood relation).



 

So the final verdict, is that this is one case where the sequel wasn't fundamentally "unnecessary", in fact if done right it would have been greatly warranted. The first film is a great stand-alone picture, but given the source material there was certainly room to do a sequel covering Shao Khan's invasion of Earth. BUT, while not unnecessary, it is a (sadly) perfect case of a sequel that obviously still SHOULDN'T have been made, because it wound up being, in this man's opinion, one of the worst films ever made. And yes, I'm fully aware that that is really saying something.

So if you've never seen it, do yourself a solid and watch the original Mortal Kombat film some night. But unless you enjoy watching painfully bad films, I'd highly advise completely ignoring the sequel. Cheers!

Classic Songs: Dust in the Wind

Pressed for time, and feeling like doing something a bit different, today I'm here to talk to you about one of my favorite songs of all time, by one of my favorite bands of all time. The band is Kansas, and the song is "Dust in the Wind". Kansas was, in the 1970s, the heyday of progressive rock, one of the biggest bands in the world, certainly the United States. They have a pretty excellent 70s catalogue all around, but in the mid-70s they put out two chart topping hit albums back to back, 1976s "Leftoverture", and 1977's "Point of Know Return". Both albums together have some of the absolute best songs the band ever put out, in fact some of the absolute best music ever made, in my opinion. But it was on the latter that a last-second edition became one of the most timeless, memorable hits of all time.

One of the single coolest album covers of all time.

Originally written as a finger-picking exercise by guitarist Kerry Livgren, the principle figure behind most of the band's deeper, more esoteric lyrics. His wife had told him he should make a full song out of it, so he wrote the melancholy, philosophical lyrics that are now so well regarded, unsure if his bandmates would accept it. But they accept it they did, and a late, "throw away" addition to the album became the biggest hit the band ever had, even compared to "Carry On Wayward Son". Some bands manage to write that one song that elevates from "hit" to "timeless classic", more of a crossover phenomenon that people not even fans of rock music may hear and recognize. Queen had "We Are the Champions", Led Zeppelin had "Stairway to Heaven", Blue Oyster Cult had "Don't Fear the Reaper", and Kansas had "Dust in the Wind".

Kerry Livgren is on the far left.

The first time I heard this song, it was totally random, at a local bar & grill joint with my great uncle, and I just kind of heard it faintly in the background and it really spoke to me. I'm surprised I hadn't heard it earlier than the age of 15 or so, but this was my first exposure to it. I asked him "Who does this?" and he thought it was "Kansas or somebody", so I later looked them up on the internet, and bam. Instant love. The bittersweet tone of the song is both sad and soothing, the lyrics both simple yet profound. It instantly became one of my absolute favorite songs, and it has remained arguably my favorite song of all time, even though my favorite band of all time is Metallica. It just has the complete package, from the simple guitar melody, to lead singer Steve Walsh's (at the time) perfect vocals, to my favorite band-member Robby Steinhardt's (the majestic looking mountain man in the middle up there) soul-stirring viola solo. The song is short but sweet, and it does all it needs to do in that time. It's just so funny that, much like James Hetfield's "Nothing Else Matters" ballad, this song was something that almost didn't even get recorded, and yet it wound up becoming a timeless, amazing classic.

When I saw Kansas live for the first and only time back in 2006 or so, even though they're all old by now, and my boy Robby was no longer touring with them (for health reasons), when they played this song, it was still an amazing experience, and to borrow an expression from pro wrestling lingo, I totally "marked out". 

I shall leave you with the lyrics, and an awesome video of the song to enjoy. Cheers!




"I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone.
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
Dust in the wind.....All they are is dust in the wind.

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea.
All we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see.
Dust in the wind....All we are is dust in the wind.

Now don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky.
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy. 
Dust in the wind....all we are is dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind....everything is dust in the wind...."

Childhood Memories: 80s Robot Toys

As someone who spent my early childhood in the 80s, I got to experience almost the entire decade (born in late '81). Part of me would consider myself more of a "90s kid", because my late childhood and teens, literally when I "grew up", was the 90s. But I guess I was born at a good time, because I got to be both an 80s AND 90s kid, when you get right down to it. I got the best of both decades. And I don't think it's all that unfair to say that, with few exceptions (faster internet, etc.), those two decades were both light years better than anything that has come post-2000. In fact, the new millenia, so far, has been rather shitty, all things considered. But I digress.

Looking back at the 80s, one thing that really sticks out is that it was, unquestionably, the "Decade of Toys". Sure, many previous or following decades still have plenty of toys. But the 80s went kind of haywire with them. It's the only decade I can think of (having done the homework), that had such an ingrained phenomenon, for example, of cartoon shows either based on products, or cartoons made in tandem with a toy line specifically to sell it to kids. Transformers, Go Bots, GI Joe, He-Man, Care Bears, Glo-Friends, My Pet Monster, Potato Head Kids, Cabbage Patch Kids, MASK, Thundercats, Inhumanoids, Dino-Riders, the list literally goes on and on. And among the most popular of 80s toy trends, so it would seem, were toy robots. If you weren't alive in or don't remember the 1980s, trust me, robots were BIG.

So weird, sometimes so useless, yet still so cool.

 

As much as it was the "Decade of Toys", you could just as easily call the 80s the "Decade of Robots", at least in so far as society's fascination with them. You had R.A.L.F. (Robotic Assistant Labor Facilitator) from the movie "Flight of the Navigator". You had Johnny 5 from the "Short Circuit" movies. You had the adorable little living flying saucer robots from "Batteries Not Included". You had the Transformers and GoBots, and the robotic butler from Rocky 4 (totally out of left field). But what we're here to talk about, of course, are the toys.

Ah, THIS guy.

Pictured above is one robot toy I actually owned (and wish I still had). You can basically figure out what it does from just looking at it, a battery operated little guy who moves around on the floor in certain patterns, and his eyes light up and he makes cool "laser" sounds, or whatever. I also had a white one with blue lights and neat little laser-gun hands that I wasn't able to find a picture of on the internets. Growing up fairly poor, as I've touch upon in the past, I unfortunately wasn't able to own too many of these bad boys, though trust me when I tell you that I certainly wanted them. One of my biggest childhood letdowns, was the fact that at a younger age, before Nintendo and Godzilla took over my life, I had an at least temporary obsession with getting my very own Teddy Ruxpin toy. It was a teddy bear doll, that was a robot (of sorts), with a tape player in it's back. You buy Teddy Ruxpin story tapes, pop 'em in, and the doll itself would move it's mouth and eyes while the voice of Teddy on the tape told you a story. On the commercials, it just looked so awesome I HAD to have one, and they naturally had a (pretty cool) Teddy Ruxpin cartoon that made my yearning even worse. Alas, I never did get to have one. I had Care Bears dolls, I had all three promotional Burger King "Alvin and the Chipmunks" dolls, I had He-Man toys and Legos and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures and a couple of Battle Beasts and I even had a Dino-Riders figure or two. But no Teddy. I was almost as forlorn about this fact as I was at an even YOUNGER age, when I felt that I absolutely had to have a $500 Pow-Pow-Powerwheels car. Ah.....youth.

The one that got away.....

So yeah. There were all kinds of robot toys. There was this guy:

Just look at that smile.

Alphie II, an educational robo-toy. Taught you numbers, letters, colors, memorization skills, etc. Never had one, but it always looked fairly neat.

Then there was this thing:

What a great................toy?

Called the "Armatron", from Tomy, the purveyor of all things ridiculously cool but also fairly useless. It is exactly what it looks like. Again, I never had one, but I remember it. If picking things up with extra effort is your thing, then Armatron is your friend for life!


Then of course there was:

So cool. So useless. But so fucking cool.

Nintendo, in order to market it's NES console as a "toy" in the recently game-aversion North American market, created ROB here, the "Robotic Operating Buddy", and packed him in with the earliest NES models to be shipped to the states. He looks absolutely bad ass, and those red flashing eyes you see were how it kept track of things happening in the game on-screen, the flashes would cue the robot to make certain actions. He was SUPPOSED to be your automated second player, a cool concept to a little kid, but sadly, they only made two games that he worked with (Stack Up and Gyromite), neither of which were all that good, and honestly, the poor guy just didn't work that well, or was all that fun to play with. But hot damn did he still LOOK cool, and that alone helped sell many parents who were weary of all the crap that Atari and Collecovision and Intellivision and Magnavox, etc., had flooded the market with in the early 80s.

AGAIN, sadly, I never had a ROB. Totally useless, to be honest, but to tell you the absolute truth, I wouldn't have cared as a kid. I would have, in all seriousness, just propped him up somewhere in my living room, and still pretended that he was my robotic pal, watching me play games, giving me pointers, watching my back for foul enemy attacks, etc. And it would have been the greatest thing ever. Ah well. One of these days, when I can afford to buy the obnoxiously priced used models online, I'll finally have one. And I'll STILL prop him up and pretend he's hanging out with me.

"I'm WAY cooler than Sonic the Hedgehog. Really."

Believe it or not, even SEGA had gotten into the robot act a bit earlier in Japan, creating what was essentially a public promotional tool, called "Sega Chan". Sega was already fairly rich even in 1982 off of their arcade profits, and they created Chan here, to put in malls and fun centers and other places where families and parents would likely see it. It had voice recognition, could talk and answer a select number of questions, show you promotional videos for Sega games on it's little chest-mounted TV screen, hand out pamphlets, and even shake your hand without crushing it. Looks pretty cool, but much like ROB, it must not have worked out all that well, because he's a forgotten piece of obscurity today.

All in all, toy robots are a pretty sweet idea. Although, I still maintain that, honestly, fuck Furbies. Those things are creepy as hell and look like they're going to learn just enough to kill you in your sleep. But OTHER than Furbies......I'd say, so long as you don't give them adaptive AI so they rise up and kill us all, robot toys (especially of the cheesy 80s variety), are pretty damn neat. I wish I still had the black and white ones from my childhood. And to tell you the truth, if I had the money to blow, I'd probably buy a bunch more I never had on ebay or something, right this minute. So if you have some spare cash lying around, go browse eBay or Amazon, and find yourself a battery operated 80s robot toy. You'll be glad you did, and you'll have a friend for life, or at least till his parts stop working.

Forgotten Gems: Mega Man V

Back again, with  another installment of the Forgotten Gems series, looking at more obscure (but awesome) classic video games from yesteryear! Today, in honor of classic Mega Man being announced as a playable fighter in the new upcoming Smash Bros. game, I decided it was a good time to look back at one of my favorite games, in fact my second favorite, and quite frankly, the second BEST Mega Man game ever made, Mega Man V for Game Boy!

New baddie Terra means business!

Not to be confused with Mega Man 5 for NES, this particular gem was the fifth and last of the Game Boy series of Mega Man games, known in Japan as "Rockman World". And also, while Mega Man 5 on NES was a decent, solid game, Mega Man V on GB is without question a far superior creation. The Mega Man games on the Nintendo Game Boy had, up until now, basically been rehashes of the NES games, using bosses and elements taken directly from those, with only a few things (like the Mega Man Killer robots) actually new. For example, the first game, "Mega Man: Dr. Wiley's Revenge", features four of the six robot masters from the original Mega Man on NES, then after defeating them, in Wily's Castle, you must fight four of the robot masters from Mega Man 2. In Mega Man II (the GB series used Roman numerals), you fought the other four robot masters from MM2 on NES, and then four from Mega Man 3. This continued on through Mega Man III and IV on Game Boy, as a typical formula. But then, lo and behold, the wonderful oddity that is Mega Man V came about, a game possessed of a totally, 100% brand new story, bosses, level elements, etc. And not only was it all new, but it was/is also AWESOME. Allow me to elucidate.

The Super Game Boy at work.

Mega Man V actually released after the also-fairly-good Mega Man 6 on NES, in September 1994. Along with being it's own, all-new game, it also was the only Mega Man game to make use of the Super Game Boy peripheral, which allowed Super Nintendo owners to play Game Boy games on their home console, and even add limited color palettes to them. Some later Game Boy titles, such as MMV, came programmed with some SGB compatibility, so as you can see above, they had their own pre-set palettes, as well as cool little graphic borders at the edge of the screen. Beyond that nifty addition, the game itself was one hell of a package.

I didn't personally get a Game Boy until Christmas 1994, but when I did, I was surprised by a fairly random-yet-awesome assortment of games. Among them, were Kirby's Pinball Land, the awesome 100 level Game Boy remake of Donkey Kong, the first Wario Land, The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (still to this day my favorite classic Zelda game), Tetris, and Mega Man V. I'm not 100% sure all these years later that I got ALL those games on Christmas with the GB, or if I got a couple of them later which is totally possible. But there were several, and MMV was among them. Looking back, Mega Man V has to be, hands down, my second favorite Mega Man game ever made, behind only the unbeatable classic Mega Man 2 on NES. MMV really has everything, from the Super GB functionality, to a cool original story, to the fact that it is one rare case in the series where NONE of the weapons you gain from beating the robot masters seem useless. They all are at least somewhat useful, a few of them being arguably the best weapons in the series. The coolest, and most memorable, out of all of these, is Saturn's weapon, the "Black Hole", which allows you to create a small black hole in the air which sucks up all items and enemies on screen, and drops any items neat-as-you-please right into your lap. Easily the coolest Mega Man weapon ever conceived. But even so, some of the other weapons you get are pretty sweet too. Such as the "Salt Water" attack, where you fire a ball of water, which then splits on impact into three smaller balls that bounce all around the room. Or the "Grab Buster", which fires a shot that leeches energy from enemies, refilling two units of your health meter.

The Mega Arm in action, made of pure awesomeness.

Mega Man V is so stuffed full of awesome, that even the standard Mega Buster is pretty much the coolest it's ever been, before or since. In every other Mega Man game (from 4 on NES onward) you could charge the Mega Buster to build up and release one big, powerful blast. Well in MMV for Game Boy, Dr. Light, Mega Man's creator, upgrades the Mega Buster weapon to create the Mega Arm, which instead of charging and firing a huge shot, you fire a huge Mega Man fist at enemies. And if you collect enough bolts (the in-game currency), you can upgrade this even further, to make it charge faster, to grab items from clear across screen, and to lock on to regular enemies and hit them over and over till they explode. If THAT isn't the single coolest regular weapon in just about any video game ever, I don't know what is. Rush, Mega Man's robotic dog pal (introduced in Mega Man 3 on NES), even gets into the act, transforming into "Rush Space" for the space journey form Earth to (SPOILERS) Dr. Wiley's secret space station. In this level you ride in Rush like a spaceship, and the level plays out like a classic side scrolling shoot'em up game, similar to R-Type or Gradius.

The actual plot of the game is pretty unique as well. The Earth has been attacked by mysterious space robots called "Stardroids", and in Mega Man's first encounter with their leader, Terra, his Mega Buster has no effect on their super-hard space metal. Thus Dr. Light upgrades it to the more powerful Mega Arm, and once again he must rush off to save the world. The robot masters themselves are singularly unique in the Mega Man universe as well, because unlike the classic Mega Man series, where every boss is named "____ Man", or the X series where almost all bosses are named/based off of some kind of animal, in MMV on Game Boy, the "Stardroids" are named after the 9 planets of our solar system: Mercury, Venus, Terra (Earth), Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto (which is STILL a planet, fuck the haters). As it later turns out, it was Dr. Wiley who discovered these mysterious space robots in some kind of ancient ruins, and reactivated and reprogrammed them to, what else, take over the world. After defeating them, surviving the hard-as-nails space shooter level including the boss fight with the Skull on the front of Wily's space station, and then making it through the station, fighting the "Mega Man Killer" robots one last time, and once again stomping Wily himself, (SPOILERS), you even have to fight one last super-top-secret space robot that Wily also discovered, a fairly all-powerful guy called "Sunstar". He's one hell of a final boss, let me tell you.

Cooler than Rush? Yes....yes he is.

I can't possibly talk about Mega Man V, however, without telling you about possibly the coolest and most unique asset this game has. Dr. Light also creates a new robot pal to assist Mega Man in his battles. And unlike Flip-Top Eddie, or the robo-bird Beat, etc., who are-yet-aren't useful, THIS little guy is fucking bad ass. It's a little green robo-cat named "Tango", and while he only has one function, it's just about the most awesome function you could hope for. When you summon him, he teleports on-screen, lets out a "meow", and then transforms into what basically looks like a giant buzz-saw, bouncing all over the screen and destroying everything in sight. And like Rush, you can refill his energy, so that you can use him throughout the game. The developers originally added Tango because they wanted a new robot pal that wasn't in the NES games. But sadly, as cool as he is, he more or less got forgotten in the future. He can be bought as an item in the SNES/Game Boy Advance game Mega Man & Bass, and makes a cameo playing in the item shop in the downloadable game Mega Man 10. But outside of that, he never has the prominant role he had in MMV. And to me, that sucks, because he's an awesome, and incredibly useful character.

So, in summary, Mega Man V for Game Boy is awesome on many fronts. It's the only all-new, completely original game in the Game Boy series. It's the only game in the entire Mega Man franchise, to my knowledge, that has totally unique names for the bosses. It's the only game that features the super-useful Mega Arm weapon. It's the only Mega Man game I can honestly thing of, where MOST of the robot master weapons you gain are actually useful. It's got the cool Rush Space shooter level. It's got a great soundtrack. It's fun, even though it's tough as nails to beat. It's got fuckin' TANGO the robo-cat! Basically, the game just has everything you could want in a Mega Man game, or an action/platformer game in general. It truly stands alone, and I would have to say, in my opinion at least, is the second coolest Mega Man game ever created.

So if you've never tried it yet, give it a whirl! Though sadly, as of now, Capcom has yet to release this game for download on the Nintendo 3DS eShop. Hopefully they eventually will, sooner rather than later, because it is one forgotten gem that ABSOLUTELY deserves to be played and recognized by a wider audience. Cheers!

Unnecessary Sequels: The Neverending Story

*In the interest of saving time and spacing things out a bit, this series will continue forward focusing on only one movie and it's crappy sequels per article from here on out. Enjoy!



Well, it's time once again for another look at the myriad of quality or even excellent movies, that should have stood the test of time as stand-alone, self-contained works. But instead due to Hollywood's love of money, received highly unnecessary, and in many cases absolutely horrible sequels. And away we go!

 

Film: The Neverending Story

Year: 1984

Director: Wolfgang Petersen

Unnecessary Sequels: The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994)

Today we look at one of the quintessential films of the 1980s, and one of the greatest fantasy films ever produced, Wolfgang Petersen's "The Neverending Story". Based on the novel by the same name, written by author Michael Ende, this film is hands down one of the most esoteric and imaginative ever crafted, certainly that I have ever personally seen. It tells the tale of a lonely boy named Bastion whose mother has recently died, and who has a strained relationship with his father as they both struggle to cope with the loss. On his way to school one day, Bastion is chased by local bullies, who proceed to throw him in the garbage. After exiting said garbage, he is caught by the same bullies and manages to hide from them by slipping into a bookstore, owned by a Mr. Koreander. After talking with Koreander, who discovers much to his surprise that Bastion is most interested in books and fantastical stories, the shop owner leaves the room to take a phone call, which leaves the mysterious book he was reading, called "The Neverending Story", unguarded. Bastion, ever curious and loving stories, decides to snatch the book, leaving a note promising to return it. The shopkeeper sees this and merely chuckles, leading the viewer to realize he probably expected that the boy would do so. And from this we have the framing for our tale.

Quite possibly the coolest looking book in history.

So naturally, Bastion arrives late to school, discovers he's also late for a math test, and proceeds to steal away up to the school's storage attic, where he settles himself into reading this forbidden and mysterious book. What follows is one of the coolest movies ever made, one of the most imaginative worlds ever conceived, and all in all just a damn fun experience for just about anybody who has a soul. While produced on "only" $27 million US dollars, this German-American co-production really spared no expense, as they obviously tried their best to make every facet of the film, and the world within the book, known as "Fantasia", the most exotic, lavish and creative that they could. The entire film just oozes with a special feeling that few ever truly possess. I might be biased because I grew up with this movie, and it was and remains one of my all-time favorites. But it also holds up just as well today, and I think is beyond just being a "cult classic" film. In fact I think it absolutely deserves to be considered simply a classic, period.

"What's a Luckdragon?"

So there you have it, without going TOO in depth into this literally magical film. It's just full of so many memorable creatures, characters, and moments. It was absolutely a stand-alone film that stood the test of time, and served as a great, self-contained story that needed no further elaboration or exploration. It was a nice ending, nice wrap-up, nice everything. But, following the predictable pattern, the film made a lot of money worldwide, and thus movie executives were salivating at the prospects of making MORE money. That didn't wind up happening for several years, but come 1990, they finally released a "Neverending Story II". And as a kid, not yet really grasping such concepts as "This would be better as a stand alone piece and doesn't need any sequels", I was super excited to see it. So when it finally came out on tape, we rented it, and while I'm not sure I can rightly say I was unhappy with the film, I do remember being kind of let down by it, at the very least. Naturally, happening six years later, they recast all of the central roles of Bastion, the warrior Atreyu whose story Bastion followed by reading the book, and the Childlike Empress, ruler and embodiment of Fantasia whom Atreyu had set out to save. And with the sole exception of Atreyu, who they found another appropriately Native American looking kid to portray, the other two casting choices looked pretty much nothing like their predecessors. That alone was something that did bother me a bit, even as a kid. But that wasn't the half of it.

The devastating results of making a warrantless cash-in sequel.

Now before continuing, I suppose I am obligated to point out, that while I have never read the original book (though I certainly should), it's worth noting at the very least that the events of this second film aren't just made up crap by the movie studio. Rather, the events of the first movie actually make up only roughly the first half or so of the book, and thus the producers did actually bother to attempt a correct approach by using the second half of the book as the source material for it's sequel. However, in all honesty that is about where the earnestness ends. The story, in a nutshell, sees Bastion after having (SPOILERS) saved the day in the first movie, now actually adventuring around the land of Fantasia himself, any child's dream come true. During his adventures, he runs into an evil witch named Xayide, who proceeds to butter him up nonstop as the savior of Fantasia, using him for her own ends. Those ends have a little something to do with a new Fantasia-ending phenomenon called "The Emptiness" (replacing the original film's unstoppable force "The Nothing"), which causes things to hollow out and shatter like glass, becoming nonexistent, etc. She also helps turn Bastion into a jerk, which causes him to turn on his friends, kind of making him a bad guy and setting Atreyu up to save the day, and so on and so forth.

"We're having fun."

All of this, as far as I know, is fairly true to the second half of the book, with the exception of the "Emptiness" business, which I guess they felt added a "bigger" threat to the movie. But the real point is, as it has been with the earlier entries, that this film just simply was extremely unnecessary, and the entire thing just FEELS that way, from start to finish. Everything in the film is just "bigger" and flashier and glossier, more "Hollywood", whereas everything in the original film just flowed very naturally and everything seemed and felt very organic. This sequel from beginning to end just kind of quietly screams "FORCED!", and that is already a foundation for disaster. Now I wouldn't quite call this movie a disaster. It's not. It's just not very good. However, it is fantastic when compared to what would come next...........

This poster pretty much says all that needs to be said....

In 1994 a third sequel was released, in Germany only apparently. Almost two years later, it saw limited release in US theaters before going straight to video. That already kind of "smells funny", yes? Well, sufficed to say, I never actually saw this film when it came out, not bothering to actually try and watch it till I was 19 years old, in 2001. And when I DID finally sit down to try and watch it, because why not, I shit you not, I made it through the first ten minutes of the film, got to the part where it's revealed that the bad guys (seriously) refer to themselves as "The Nasties", and it was at that point I promptly turned it off and have never looked back. So no, in some remote sense of fairness, I must point out that I've never watched the entire film. But in fairness to ME, I don't think I really have to. You don't have actually eat a dog turd to guess what it probably tastes like, and thus is the case with this film. Ironically enough, this movie even features an early turn by (now megastar) Jack Black, as the leader of the Nasties "Slip". I'm sure he tries to forget this fact today.

Basically, without even watching the whole thing, just having read about it, added to the feel I got from just those first ten minutes, I can tell you that this movie was nothing more than a cheap cash-in times ten. It was cheaply done, probably hurriedly produced, and just displayed no care whatsoever for the original film or the book. At least the second film, while certainly not all that good, and very much a glossy, whitewashed Hollywood product, displayed some modicum of trying to live up to the first. This movie doesn't even attempt that, and follows some haberdashery about "The Nasties" getting control of the book, and creatures from Fantasia somehow being sent to this world, blah blah blah. I won't even dignify it by trying to get deep into it. If you really care about the plot, either see the film, or read the Wikipedia article. Just know that if the second movie is weak, the third straight up sucks. And that's all you really need to know. Just enjoy the first film, and forget that the "sequels" ever even existed.




But hey, take solace! If you've never seen the first "Neverending Story" film, please do yourself an enormous favor and see it as soon as possible. You'll be glad you did, and your life shall be all the richer for having seen it. Cause it's fuckin' awesome. Cheers!